First of it's Kind Annual Birth Mom Meet Up

Because of her personal experience with adoption, her heart for birth mothers and her understanding of the need for them to support and encourage one another, Haley Kilpatrick, founder of Adoption: Share the Love, had a vision. And on August 31st, 2013, her dream came true. 50+ birth mothers and a few miscellaneous, yet no less important birth fathers and one pregnant and placing woman gathered in Salt Lake City Utah for this first of its kind event. The video below is a sample of the love (and heartache) that comes from the selfless act of relinquishment.

 

Make sure to check out her blog at: http://adoptionsharethelove.com/

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day!  Not the easiest day for me. I am a 44 year old, single, never married woman who placed for adoption the only child I ever had. It was always my desire to be married and have children, but life got in the way. I got in the way. My dreams have never become reality. I have finally accepted and become content in my singleness although there are times when I feel utterly alone. In those times, I remind myself that I am not alone; that the One who created me loves me deeply and has never given up, walked away or broken my heart. Thank you Jesus, for being my Valentine today.

Big Tough Girl Blog: What is a BTG?

What is a BTG? (By Ashley Mitchell)

People ask me all the time what BTG means and I simply tell them 'BIG TOUGH GIRL' and then they stare at me blankly waiting for more....so the story begins! 

Growing up and through my young adult life my mother, my sister and I have survived many things, individually and together.  We have always been a cheer-leader for one another.  Movies are our thing and so any time we can throw in a movie quote to help with the words of comfort we will.  It became tradition that we used the term "I'm a big tough girl, I can tie my own sandals and everything." quoting the Disney movie Hercules.  It was then shortened to "I am a Big Tough Girl".  Implying that things are hard and it looks bleek now but we will be ok, we will survive because we are big tough girls.  {I know it seems cheesey but that phrase rocks my world these days!}



I am a birth mom and I placed a son for adoption when I was 26 years old.  He will be 7 this year.  I heard many times from my mother and sister after placement that I was a 'Big Tough Girl' and so the phrase was adopted by the BIB community and we have self proclaimed all our birth moms with the title of BTG.

I have learned 5 major things that qualify you to be a BTG-whether you are a birth mom, a single parent, an adoptive mom, a woman....it doesn't matter...in my book you are a BIG TOUGH GIRL if:

1. You OWN your story.  We all have a story, one that is unique to us and to who we are!  The choices that we make, the path that we travel, the good the bad and the ugly!  There are many things in my life that I have done that I am not proud of.  I know that we ALL have those skeletons in our closet.  Covering up my dirty red light with a pretty blue lamp shade from Tiffany isn't going to hide or change the journey that I have been on.  A BTG owns who she is.  She has learned from her choices, she embraces what she has learned and she lives her story, shares, loves, laughs and cries over her story!  Surviving the adoption process and owning who you are as a birth mom is no easy task and that is why BIB is HOME TO THE BIG TOUGH GIRLS!  

I am grateful for those things from my past, they are incredible blessings, they have become a great part of my soul, and a great teaching tool.  I have come to love them and understand them and appreciate them for what they were at the time that they were.  I love my story, I own my story, it is who I am and I am a beautiful soul...That is a BTG.

2.  You DO IT ANYWAY:  In our private birth mom group on facebook we had an incredible BTG post this statement: "Not all good decisions are easy and without pain, but they're still good decisions. That's why we're called Big Tough Girls."  A BTG is someone that can DO IT ANYWAY!  Even when it is hard, even when it hurts, even when it is soul crushing and life changing....a BTG can do it anyway.  She has what it takes to step up to the plate, to take a swing, to be in the game.  As a birth mom you are told about all your options, you are informed and encouraged, you have support and understanding, you are instructed on how it will be...but until you are in the delivery room and they hand you that tiny, precious baby you have no idea what you are getting yourself into.  When you look that those eyes...and you are instantly a mother...nothing can prepare you for the next steps of the adoption process. Think of a time that you have ever been faced with a decision, one that will change the course of your life forever...one that will no doubt be a part of your soul, connected to you..you had people around you that didn't understand, agree or support you, you were scared and hated and doubted yourself every other second...think of that time that you DID IT ANYWAY.  A time that you got in the game and followed through with a plan, a decision of your own heart...and then you picked yourself up and went at it again...That is a BTG.

3.  You can RISE ABOVE:  One thing that I admire the very most in a BTG, no matter what she has been through is her ability to Rise Above!   To be bigger and better, to be more beautiful than the ugly, to have enough self love to respect herself and the way she views herself.  Many times as we go through something terrible we get angry and we hate and we lash out and we run our mouth and we blame and it is so unattractive.  We are all guilty of it.  Adoption gets a lot of negative attention.  Birth moms can either help put a beautiful spin on adoption awareness or an ugly harsh spin on adoption awareness.  I work with the most amazing group of BTG's in our daily and monthly support groups.  I am so blessed to have these women in my life, that continue to remind each other of the incredible miracle of adoption....these are women that truly RISE ABOVE every single day.  They rise above the comments, the misunderstandings, the judgements, the guilt, the pain, the sorrow.  They embrace the love, joy, blessings, the miracles and peace.

There is nothing more attractive in a woman that has love and peace in her heart, that is full of gratitude and is positive and focused on forward movement, that has no anger or hate or blame, that is full of forgiveness and understanding, power and self love.  That is the true beauty of a woman.  That is a BTG.

4.  You can still LOVE with a pure heart:  Relationships are so hard.  They are emotional and passionate and frustrating and challenging and amazing and fulfilling and damaging and lasting.  There are people that come into our life that will always be connected, even if the relationship comes to an end.  A birth mom will forever be connected to the birth father...whether they stay together or go their separate ways.  They have been intimate with each other, they created life together, a life that is part of each of them.  It can be so hard to move on from those relationships, even if they have ran their course.  As women, we tend to hold on tight and choke it to death!  ;) 

The greatest lesson that I have learned during this healing process is that I still have love in my heart, that I still want a partner to spend my days with, I want family around me that will continue to love me unconditionally.  I have been able to let go of the pain and the hurt and put my heart back together and LOVE without doubt and without regret.  I have amazing family around me that have forgiving hearts and that support me.  I have two beautiful children of my own that my husband and I love and cherish.  Finding your GREAT love after many broken hearts is the greatest gift.  That is a BTG.

 

5.  You know you can't DO IT ALONE:  Another powerful lesson that I have learned in this journey is that I can't do this alone, that the support group that has been established has been vital to my survival and my life choices.  Being a BTG isn't about going out and taking on everything and anything all alone.  The support group of  like minded BTG's has truly been such a blessing in my life.  I am so honored to call these women my friends and I learn and grow from them and their experiences DAILY!  We all have to make our own decisions and in the end it is what is truly in our hearts BUT when you can come to your knees in front of your "tribe" and plead for help and support...then you are truly a BTG.  Admitting weakness and the need for help only makes you stronger...and truly allows those around you that love you to step up and be better, to help and lend support, to serve and to love.  When the going gets tough....the BTG gets going.  You will learn quickly who will stand by you and support you and those that won't...finding that "tribe" of people that will be there to help you along the way is a rare treasure and one that should not be taken for granted.  That is a BTG. 

 

I am so honored to be a birth mom and wear my Big Tough Girl badge proudly!  I am thankful for all those in my life that lift and love me.  I am thankful for all the countless BTG's that have inspired me to be better in all things! 

Ashley Mitchell spends her days loving on her children, leaning on her husband and reaching out to women who like herself, found themselves at a crossroad and chose adoption. She is the founder of a non-profit birth mom community called Blessings in a Basket. She is a die-hard college football fan, covets anything from Tiffany and thinks that snow is the most magical and sparkly thing in the world!

Open Adoption: Open Wound?

Although I don't always agree with this author, she hit the nail on the head with this one. Way to go Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy

"I got pictures at 6 months and one year through my agency. I was a neurotic wreck waiting for them 24 years ago. I was a complete wreck waiting for my update of Max at age 16. Like a daily mood swing that got hopeful and anxious before the mail delivery and completely foul and depressed after...every day...for three months. Those were just two small time periods in the time frame of this adoption. Yet they greatly altered my mental well being during those times. I cannot imagine living that way for 15, 18. or 20 years.

I see mothers living this now on birthmother support lists.The dance they sometimes must perform to be determined healthy enough to garnish an update, the debate on how to request an update, how to ask, the fear of being denied and the effects of being ignored. I would go so far to say that even when an adoptive family follows the set schedules and provides the consistent updates on the welfare of the child, the anxiety and fear is still constantly present.

Even though I lived it, even now I can't imagine how I had the physical ability to walk away from my newborn baby in the hospital. I don't know how I did it once. I cannot imagine having to repeat the same action over and over again. I cannot imagine having to do this every six months; ever year.

That big tough scab that covered the raw wound of my son's relinquishment would never have healed. Rather, I see that open adoption could be that action that causes this wound to be re-opened again and again.How do you walk away from this child that you love so incredibly much and still have the will to live. I know I would have done it but yes, sometimes I am glad that I did not have the opportunity. Plus, for so many years, my son was only an image that I could imagine. The three years I missed was a fantasy based on a handful of pictures. Not a real flesh and blood child whose arms I could feel around my neck. It was years later that I realized the true depth of everything that I lost. In an open adoption, the evidence of that lost baby turns into the truth of a missed childhood. A mother does not miss the ideal, but a real walking, talking child.

I do not believe that even the best open adoption mitigates the feeling of loss. I believe that it does tend to keep a mother in reality and make her face that loss, which can be healthier, but also, just so much harder. The adoption never has a chance to become something of the past but is a constant force in her life. I can't say which is better because I don't think that adoption ever leaves us. But if one is expecting that an open adoption should feel good, I can imagine that it can be rather surprising to find that it hurts over and over again with each after-visit; with each new goodbye. I can imagine that the reoccuring grief gets rather exhausting." 

Amen girl, you sure got this one right!!! Thanks for sharing. 
(This blog was originally posted on http://www.musingsofthelame.com)

An On Time God

Dear Pricilla,
I'm amazed at how God works; how he is always right on time putting everything in place for his purpose. I was notified that I had a new twitter follower (you). I always wonder why people, strangers follow me; how they find me; what they are searching for.

This weekend has been very difficult for me. I am a 44 year old single birthmother of a 21 year old boy that I relinquished through adoption when he was born. I ran from grief until recently when God took me away from ministry and sent me to Baylor to get my graduate degree. I went out of obedience because I certainly had NO idea why he wanted me to go back to school.

At the end of my first year (this past May), I decided to complete my research on birthmother grief long term. There is much available for women immediately after relinquishment, but studies show that many birthmothers remain in denial and run from their grief for 20+ years. Some live with severe, debilitating depression, some with PTSD, some turn to addictions to sooth the pain, others turn to relationships. That's what I did. I turned to immoral relationships which, in turn, caused enough shame and self loathing in my life that I was distracted from the pain that I was running from.

When I started reading materials this summer about birthmother grief, my eyes were opened. For the first time, I understood why I did the things that I did and felt the way that I felt for the past 21 years. I finally was able to see a correlation between my deep emptiness and sadness and relinquishing my son.  But even though I was connecting the dots and starting to understand myself better, I finally started to grieve my loss and all the losses that came as a result of my unplanned pregnancy.

The past few months have by far been the most unbearable months of my life. I am in so much pain and nothing seems to ease the hurt. I would ask God why my life turned out the way that it did but know that it's my fault. I know that I am forgiven for the bad choices that I made and that my singleness and childlessness isn't a punishment yet, I often attribute the disappointment in my life to the bad choices that I have made.

I have come to the conclusion that this is it for me. Life won't get any better. The life that I dreaded - this one - a loveless, childless life - a life where I feel so insignificant that no one would even notice if I didn't exist - this is it. God is so good and so faithful but I have to wonder what my purpose is - if I have purpose - because I certainly don't feel like it. And I don't want this life that he's given me but I have no choice to live it. I feel so low emotionally, yet I pretend every day to keep everyone happy. I feel alone. I feel isolated. I feel heartbroken and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And then I notice that I have a new twitter follower. I opened a twitter account just a few weeks ago as an assignment for class. I don't use it and don't read it but I am notified when I have a new follower. So tonight, there you were, a total stranger with a twitter page that says: "Christian community of women looking to choose bliss despite their past. A safe place for those with a past of abuse, diagnosis of PTSD and/or depression."
I don't know who you are or how you found me on line. I am just thankful that God sent me even the smallest dose of hope through you this evening. It's not even the purpose of your page that blows my mind. It's the fact that God knew I needed to be seen. He knew I needed to feel wanted and he made me feel wanted through your simple gesture.

I don't know what else to say except thank you for letting God use you. Thank you for bringing me hope when I am really low. And Thank you Lord Jesus for seeing me.

"You are altogether beautiful my darling and there is no blemish in you." Song of Songs 4:7

Joy Cometh in the Morning!

"Grief is the one pain that heals all others. Grief is the most important pain there is."

How People Grow
Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Gerald Sittser wrote in A Grace Disguised that “the choice to love requires the courage to grieve”. If we choose to love, our hearts will eventually be broken - death, abandonment, abuse, betrayal and for the birthmother, great sacrifice. But if we choose to protect our hearts in fear of the inevitable, we miss out on one of life's greatests treasures - Communing with another human soul.



Tears: the best gift of God to suffering Man.

John Keble (1792-1866)

And while grief can be overwhelming and for some, debilitating, our tears are not in vain. God sees our pain. He hears our cry for help. Psalm 56:8 says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

 . . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" (Psalm 30:5)



Although there is not a direct correlation between this verse from scripture and individual suffering, there is also no scriptural problem with this interpretation.  God does promise his children that although we may suffer many trials while on this earth, there is a joy that is extended to all Christ-followers that comes from the hope we have in a better future.

I'm waiting for the joy...

I never  imagined that twenty years after placing my son for adoption,  I would begin to experience a pain so profound; a gutt wrenching, hard to breathe kind of ache in my heart that knaws away at my soul. Although human beings are resiliant, there is for some, a pain that is far too great to process. As a result, our heart shuts down and we move forward without resolution for years.

I am just now coming to terms with my loss - lost dreams, lost memories, the label of "mother" that I will never hear him speak. Tears flow freely these days. They come and go as they please. The only way through such a loss is hope - hope that one day I will figure out how to move on with my life while still maintaining a relationship with my son; hope that the intensity of my grief will subside and I will experience joy once again after twenty years of sadness. To be honest, I don't remember what it feels like. I hope to find out someday soon.

A Mother's Love