Denial: Avoiding the Inevitable

 

 

“Birth parents console themselves with the idea that the loss in an open adoption is really quite small. Afterall, they will be able to maintain contact and eventually have a relationship with their child...Some think about adoption in positive terms only, denying that there has been a loss at all." Portuesi, 1999

It was August 31st, 1991 that I signed relinquishment papers and my son went home with another family. It wasn't until November of 2012 that I let down emotionally and wept for the first time over the loss of my son. Of course there were many times during those years that I was sad and grieved over other losses in my life that resulted from losing my son. And a day didn't go by that I didn't miss my little boy. It wasn't until years later however, that I slowed down and realized the intensity of my loss and the profound, sometimes debilitating grief that I needed to feel.

Denial is a defense mechanism that protects a person from emotional collapse. Because birthmother grief and loss is so complex, denial becomes a daily reality on so many different levels. The reality of placement and the feelings of grief that follow are often too intense, thus requiring the need to "not feel" for a time.

Expressions of Denial
For a birthmother, denial or avoidance of grief buds it's head in so many different ways.

• Sleeping or incessant busyness, creating a distraction from grief.
• Excessive drinking and drugging, pursuit of unhealthy relationships, and overeating are numbing behaviors that provide a respite from her pain.
• Ongoing contact with the child's adoptive family can also be a form of grief avoidance
• And as Portuesi, author and reunited birthmother explains, some birthmothers focus only on the positive aspects of the adoption experience which allows them to delay the inevitable feelings of grief that must follow such a profound loss.

Don't get me wrong. Denial is not bad and at times, it's necessary. Birthparents who ultimately acknowledge their feelings of grief and loss are better able to cope with their grief and experience better grief management in the long run. If after a few months, a birthmother is unable to move past the numbness, encourage her to talk with a professional counselor, a trusted friend or family member who can help her get unstuck.

Understanding Your Grief

"Birthparents console themselves with the idea that the loss in an open adoption is really quite small. After all, they will be able to maintain contact and eventually have a relationship with their child...Some think about adoption in positive terms only, denying that there has been any loss at all." - Portuesi

My heart was pounding. My palms were sweaty. I was sure it was a heart attack! After a visit to the doctor and an EKG, the report came back negative. Medically speaking, my heart was healthy - but I knew it wasn't. It was broken and I didn't know how I would ever recover.

Grieving the loss of a loved one is a difficult journey no matter what the circumstances, but adoption-related grief is unique. Although a loss has occurred, it is often unrecognized by those outside of the adoption community. There is no ceremony or ritual acknowledging the loss. Few if any, offer comfort and support. The truth is, others may not even understand that a loss has occurred because the child is still living and you made the adoption choice. Nonetheless, your heart is still hurting and even you may be struggling to make sense of your grief.

Birth parent grief can manifest itself through a number of different ways:

• Feelings such as anger, sadness, loneliness, confusion, guilt and shock are common. At the same time, you may also feel relieved, grateful for a good home for her child and hopeful for a fresh start. These mixed emotions can leave you feeling confused and alone.
• The inability to feel much of anything; numbness
• Physical symptoms including anxiety, lack of energy, the incessant need to keep busy, hyper-sensitivity, tightness in the chest, etc.
• Questioning or second-guessing your decision and/or a pre-occupation with thoughts of the child you have placed.
• Excessive crying, overeating or lack of appetite, inability to sleep, and social withdrawal.

My pounding heart eventually subsided and I was able to move past that grief episode, but the grief hasn't gone away. I have learned to manage it and not allow it to consume me. I have learned healthy ways to cope with my grief and loss and engage in ongoing self-care.

It is normal and natural to grieve this type of loss. The grief process is ongoing and symptoms will surface when you least expect them. Feel what you need to feel. Talk it out with someone who is willing to listen. If you begin to worry that any of your grief symptoms are excessive or unhealthy, consult a physician.

Secondary Losses

As I write, I am staring out the window at a friend play so eloquently with young children in the neighborhood. I feel such admiration for her courage and even her desire to be around that age group. For as long as I can remember, I have never really been fond of elementary aged children (other than my friends kids, of course). I'm not sure why.

When I was placed at an elementary school for my first year of internship in graduate school, someone suggested that I didn't like being around them because I never had the opportunity to see my son grow up. I thought long and hard about whether or not that was actually the problem. If that were the case, wouldn't I also dislike newborns and  high school aged youth? The truth is, I adore infants and enjoy being around them when the opportunity presents itself and I spent close to 15 years in youth ministry, caring for their hurting hearts. There had to be something else that bothered me about the little people.

In recent years, I was able to process the depths of my grief and the loss of my son through adoption after years of numbing and running. I will always feel loss and there will always be an empty space in my heart for the son that I relinquished. But what has hit me more intensely in the past few years is the fact that while running from my grief, I also ran from healthy relationships that could have led to marriage and a family - a dream that I had since childhood.  

Secondary losses often tear away at the heart of a birth mother. The loss of a child, the loss of her role as mother to that child, the loss of her reputation, her friendships, the birth father of her child; for some, the loss family members who disapprove of her decision resulting in the loss of a place to live and the loss of a lifetime of security that she experienced in her home. In addition to these secondary losses, she can also experience feelings of deep depression, shame, anxiety, confusion, ambiguity about her decision and so much more. The grief for a birth mother reaches far past the loss of her child.

The seven little ones are now inside, filling the house with conversation, laughter and tears, an experience that I will never have. Perhaps they represent the loss of a dream. I will never have a house filled with little ones of my own - I am too old for that. I may never have the husband that I have longed for my entire life. I ran to far and too long for that. 

I am processing these secondary losses every day. Coming to terms with who I have become and the life that I now live. And although I am still not fond of young ones, I am learning to dream new dreams. I am trusting that there is still a beautiful, bright future ahead of me. I have deep sadness, but I also have hope for my future. I'm waiting in anticipation for what's to come. I will not give up.

Keeping Perspective in the Midst of Pain and Loss

Recently, a friend described her feelings on the day she became a mother through adoption...

"She sobbed as she handed me her baby. She knew she had made the right decision, but not all good decisions are easy or without pain. For a split second, I wanted to forget the whole thing and walk away so that she wouldn't hurt so badly but I had to keep perspective. I had to remember why she had made the decision that she made." 

Adoption day is often filled with so many mixed emotions. For most birth mothers who place through an agency, the decision to relinquish her child for adoption is done so with much self-reflection and contemplation. It is a well thought out decision that has been made over time with the support of a case worker. But regardless of that courageous choice, there is still deep, indescribable pain and loss. She knows she has made the best choice for her child, for which she is thrilled, but she also knows that her decision will leave a gaping wound in her soul that nothing or no one will ever be able to fill.

In the midst of the hormones and heartache, it's easy for a birth mother to lose perspective, to forget why she made the decision to relinquish, and to convince herself that adoption is no longer the answer. Sometimes it happens hours after giving birth. Sometimes, it happens years later. 

A competent adoption case worker, friend or family member will encourage a prospective birth mother to make a list of the reasons she has chosen adoption for her child and keep it with her as a reminder for when and if she has doubts. A reminder that although circumstances will change in the months and years to come and there will be a day when she will be fully able to care for a child, that was not always the case. In these times of questioning, let us not judge her, but remind her of the well thought out decision she made for her child - a decision for the best life possible; a life that she felt she was unable to provide at the time.

BIRTHMOTHER OF THE YEAR!

A dear birth mother friend of mine overheard some people in a restaurant, belittling and degrading birth mothers and she had the guts to go to the table and respond. This is what she said...

"excuse my interruption, but i couldnt help but overhear your adoption journey story. First, my heart hopes you have a family when the moment is right. Second, as a birth mom I couldnt help but be offended by your portrayal of birthmoms in general. The thought that we work any system is assenine and false. Although there are some bad stories, please know this is not a class we take in "becoming birth moms 101" (enter squirms and head lowering)

second, the fact that some mothers change their minds is very true and they have every right to do so. Imagine a person holding your child in front of you and asking you to tell them goodbye. A signature forever changes their future. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and for anyone who hasnt walked a day in my shoes to judge me without knowing me or my fellow birthmoms is just wrong.
Im sorry that you are uneducated but I am more sorry that you would speak of a class of women that are the most amazing humans on this planet as if you knew them on a personal level. I hope that the day you hold your child and grandchild in your arms, the child that one of us placed in your arms, you remember this conversation.

The lady was in tears and said nothing. The mother apologized and said she was truly sorry. I smiled and thanked them for not interrupting my tangent. Then, i walked back to my table and had a panic attack and finished my alcoholic beverage. [My husband] was mad until the waiter told us that they paid for our dinner. Four more educated!"
BIRTHMOTHER OF THE YEAR IN MY BOOK!!!!!!

First of it's Kind Annual Birth Mom Meet Up

Because of her personal experience with adoption, her heart for birth mothers and her understanding of the need for them to support and encourage one another, Haley Kilpatrick, founder of Adoption: Share the Love, had a vision. And on August 31st, 2013, her dream came true. 50+ birth mothers and a few miscellaneous, yet no less important birth fathers and one pregnant and placing woman gathered in Salt Lake City Utah for this first of its kind event. The video below is a sample of the love (and heartache) that comes from the selfless act of relinquishment.

 

Make sure to check out her blog at: http://adoptionsharethelove.com/

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day!  Not the easiest day for me. I am a 44 year old, single, never married woman who placed for adoption the only child I ever had. It was always my desire to be married and have children, but life got in the way. I got in the way. My dreams have never become reality. I have finally accepted and become content in my singleness although there are times when I feel utterly alone. In those times, I remind myself that I am not alone; that the One who created me loves me deeply and has never given up, walked away or broken my heart. Thank you Jesus, for being my Valentine today.