I'm amazed at how God works; how he is always right on time putting everything in place for his purpose. I was notified that I had a new twitter follower (you). I always wonder why people, strangers follow me; how they find me; what they are searching for.
This weekend has been very difficult for me. I am a 44 year old single birthmother of a 21 year old boy that I relinquished through adoption when he was born. I ran from grief until recently when God took me away from ministry and sent me to Baylor to get my graduate degree. I went out of obedience because I certainly had NO idea why he wanted me to go back to school.
At the end of my first year (this past May), I decided to complete my research on birthmother grief long term. There is much available for women immediately after relinquishment, but studies show that many birthmothers remain in denial and run from their grief for 20+ years. Some live with severe, debilitating depression, some with PTSD, some turn to addictions to sooth the pain, others turn to relationships. That's what I did. I turned to immoral relationships which, in turn, caused enough shame and self loathing in my life that I was distracted from the pain that I was running from.
When I started reading materials this summer about birthmother grief, my eyes were opened. For the first time, I understood why I did the things that I did and felt the way that I felt for the past 21 years. I finally was able to see a correlation between my deep emptiness and sadness and relinquishing my son. But even though I was connecting the dots and starting to understand myself better, I finally started to grieve my loss and all the losses that came as a result of my unplanned pregnancy.
The past few months have by far been the most unbearable months of my life. I am in so much pain and nothing seems to ease the hurt. I would ask God why my life turned out the way that it did but know that it's my fault. I know that I am forgiven for the bad choices that I made and that my singleness and childlessness isn't a punishment yet, I often attribute the disappointment in my life to the bad choices that I have made.
I have come to the conclusion that this is it for me. Life won't get any better. The life that I dreaded - this one - a loveless, childless life - a life where I feel so insignificant that no one would even notice if I didn't exist - this is it. God is so good and so faithful but I have to wonder what my purpose is - if I have purpose - because I certainly don't feel like it. And I don't want this life that he's given me but I have no choice to live it. I feel so low emotionally, yet I pretend every day to keep everyone happy. I feel alone. I feel isolated. I feel heartbroken and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And then I notice that I have a new twitter follower. I opened a twitter account just a few weeks ago as an assignment for class. I don't use it and don't read it but I am notified when I have a new follower. So tonight, there you were, a total stranger with a twitter page that says: "Christian community of women looking to choose bliss despite their past. A safe place for those with a past of abuse, diagnosis of PTSD and/or depression."
I don't know who you are or how you found me on line. I am just thankful that God sent me even the smallest dose of hope through you this evening. It's not even the purpose of your page that blows my mind. It's the fact that God knew I needed to be seen. He knew I needed to feel wanted and he made me feel wanted through your simple gesture.
I don't know what else to say except thank you for letting God use you. Thank you for bringing me hope when I am really low. And Thank you Lord Jesus for seeing me.
"You are altogether beautiful my darling and there is no blemish in you." Song of Songs 4:7
