“Birth parents
console themselves with the idea that the loss in an open adoption is really
quite small. Afterall, they will be able to maintain contact and eventually have a relationship with their child...Some think about adoption in positive terms only, denying that there has been a loss at all." Portuesi, 1999
It was August 31st, 1991 that I signed relinquishment papers and my son went home with another family. It wasn't until November of 2012 that I let down emotionally and wept for the first time over the loss of my son. Of course there were many times during those years that I was sad and grieved over other losses in my life that resulted from losing my son. And a day didn't go by that I didn't miss my little boy. It wasn't until years later however, that I slowed down and realized the intensity of my loss and the profound, sometimes debilitating grief that I needed to feel.
Denial is a defense mechanism that protects a person from emotional collapse. Because birthmother grief and loss is so complex, denial becomes a daily reality on so many different levels. The reality of placement and the feelings of grief that follow are often too intense, thus requiring the need to "not feel" for a time.
Expressions of Denial
For a birthmother, denial or avoidance of grief buds it's head in so many different ways.
- Sleeping or incessant busyness, creating a distraction from grief.
- Excessive drinking and drugging, pursuit of unhealthy relationships, and overeating are numbing behaviors that provide a respite from her pain.
- Ongoing contact with the child's adoptive family can also be a form of grief avoidance
- And as Portuesi, author and reunited birthmother explains, some birthmothers focus only on the positive aspects of the adoption experience which allows them to delay the inevitable feelings of grief that must follow such a profound loss.
Don't get me wrong. Denial is not bad and at times, it's necessary. Birthparents who ultimately acknowledge their feelings of grief and loss are better able to cope with their grief and experience better grief management in the long run. If after a few months, a birthmother is unable to move past the numbness, encourage her to talk with a professional counselor, a trusted friend or family member who can help her get unstuck.
