Mother’s Day – for many, this is a day of celebration and gratitude - a time to show thanksgiving towards the woman who sacrificed years of her own life to prepare you for yours. For others however, those feelings of gratitude are overshadowed by feelings of tremendous grief and loss. Women struggling with infertility, women that have miscarried, women that have experienced the pre-mature death of a child and even women that have chosen to place a child for adoption struggle to survive this celebration with a smile on their face and an ache in their heart.
Society has validated the necessity of grieving the loss of a loved one but what happens when friends and loved ones are unaware of the ongoing torment within the soul of a child-less woman - a torment that in some cases, doesn’t diminish with time? I have never struggled with infertility nor have I experienced a miscarriage. I can only imagine the pain these women struggle with on Mother’s Day and throughout the year. I have however lost a child through adoption, a unique and painful kind of loss that few people are even aware exists.
I am the birthmother to a son that I placed for adoption over 23 years ago. Although I never doubted the decision I made, I engaged in years of self-destructive numbing and running to distract myself from the pain and avoid my feelings of grief and loss. It was only after a friend suggested my need to grieve the loss of my son that I realized I had never allowed myself to feel the pain and loss from placement. Yes, adoption was a choice that I made and a good choice, but not all good choices feel good. This one most definitely did not!
Approximately 2-4% of women experiencing unplanned pregnancy choose adoption for their child. And although it is a good choice for some, it can still result in tremendous feelings of grief and loss. Knowing that her child may have a better chance at life and success if raised by another family, a birthmother willingly chooses to break her own heart for the betterment of her child. “Had I loved him any less,” one birthmother writes, “he would be here with me now.” With that choice however, comes not only the loss of a child but a lifetime of forsaken memories as the mother of that child.
Whether voluntarily or coerced, numerous studies reveal the impact of relinquishment on birthmothers. They include:
- Ongoing feelings of unresolved grief.
- Higher levels of depression and mental health issues.
- Drug and alcohol dependency as numbing agents.
- A lower likelihood of marriage and subsequent children, and
- A higher chance of secondary infertility.
This Mother’s Day and throughout the year, there are things you can do to support the birthmothers and other child-less mothers in your social circles, your faith community, and even your family. Let me suggest a few ideas.
- Acknowledge her mother-hood - Although she may not be parenting, she still experienced a pregnancy and may have even given birth. Let her know you are thinking of her on this special day (Mother’s Day) and that she is not forgotten.
- Let her talk about her child - When a child-less mother is denied the freedom to tell her story, she is being asked to deny that her experience ever happened. Telling her story and talking about her child can bring healing.
- Don’t limit her grief to your timeframe – “The only people who think there’s a time limit for grief, have never lost a piece of their heart.” Unknown
- Lastly, if you think she needs help coping with her grief, encourage her to seek professional help to talk about it.
I often wonder where I would be if someone had offered this validation and support to me when I became a birthmother many years ago. Don’t misunderstand. There still would have been tremendous pain and loss but perhaps with the support of others, I could have avoided a lifetime of heartbreak and regret from the years of self-destructive behaviors that ensued. So I say Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers that engage in the hard, yet rewarding job of parenting. And to the child-less moms that are suffering in silence this month, I acknowledge you; I recognize the incredible strength that you possess as a result of your experience and I validate your journey. Never give up on your journey towards health, healing and happiness! For more information about birthmother grief, loss and support, visit www.birthmotherwellness.com.
