Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day!  Not the easiest day for me. I am a 44 year old, single, never married woman who placed for adoption the only child I ever had. It was always my desire to be married and have children, but life got in the way. I got in the way. My dreams have never become reality. I have finally accepted and become content in my singleness although there are times when I feel utterly alone. In those times, I remind myself that I am not alone; that the One who created me loves me deeply and has never given up, walked away or broken my heart. Thank you Jesus, for being my Valentine today.

Big Tough Girl Blog: What is a BTG?

What is a BTG? (By Ashley Mitchell)

People ask me all the time what BTG means and I simply tell them 'BIG TOUGH GIRL' and then they stare at me blankly waiting for more....so the story begins! 

Growing up and through my young adult life my mother, my sister and I have survived many things, individually and together.  We have always been a cheer-leader for one another.  Movies are our thing and so any time we can throw in a movie quote to help with the words of comfort we will.  It became tradition that we used the term "I'm a big tough girl, I can tie my own sandals and everything." quoting the Disney movie Hercules.  It was then shortened to "I am a Big Tough Girl".  Implying that things are hard and it looks bleek now but we will be ok, we will survive because we are big tough girls.  {I know it seems cheesey but that phrase rocks my world these days!}



I am a birth mom and I placed a son for adoption when I was 26 years old.  He will be 7 this year.  I heard many times from my mother and sister after placement that I was a 'Big Tough Girl' and so the phrase was adopted by the BIB community and we have self proclaimed all our birth moms with the title of BTG.

I have learned 5 major things that qualify you to be a BTG-whether you are a birth mom, a single parent, an adoptive mom, a woman....it doesn't matter...in my book you are a BIG TOUGH GIRL if:

1. You OWN your story.  We all have a story, one that is unique to us and to who we are!  The choices that we make, the path that we travel, the good the bad and the ugly!  There are many things in my life that I have done that I am not proud of.  I know that we ALL have those skeletons in our closet.  Covering up my dirty red light with a pretty blue lamp shade from Tiffany isn't going to hide or change the journey that I have been on.  A BTG owns who she is.  She has learned from her choices, she embraces what she has learned and she lives her story, shares, loves, laughs and cries over her story!  Surviving the adoption process and owning who you are as a birth mom is no easy task and that is why BIB is HOME TO THE BIG TOUGH GIRLS!  

I am grateful for those things from my past, they are incredible blessings, they have become a great part of my soul, and a great teaching tool.  I have come to love them and understand them and appreciate them for what they were at the time that they were.  I love my story, I own my story, it is who I am and I am a beautiful soul...That is a BTG.

2.  You DO IT ANYWAY:  In our private birth mom group on facebook we had an incredible BTG post this statement: "Not all good decisions are easy and without pain, but they're still good decisions. That's why we're called Big Tough Girls."  A BTG is someone that can DO IT ANYWAY!  Even when it is hard, even when it hurts, even when it is soul crushing and life changing....a BTG can do it anyway.  She has what it takes to step up to the plate, to take a swing, to be in the game.  As a birth mom you are told about all your options, you are informed and encouraged, you have support and understanding, you are instructed on how it will be...but until you are in the delivery room and they hand you that tiny, precious baby you have no idea what you are getting yourself into.  When you look that those eyes...and you are instantly a mother...nothing can prepare you for the next steps of the adoption process. Think of a time that you have ever been faced with a decision, one that will change the course of your life forever...one that will no doubt be a part of your soul, connected to you..you had people around you that didn't understand, agree or support you, you were scared and hated and doubted yourself every other second...think of that time that you DID IT ANYWAY.  A time that you got in the game and followed through with a plan, a decision of your own heart...and then you picked yourself up and went at it again...That is a BTG.

3.  You can RISE ABOVE:  One thing that I admire the very most in a BTG, no matter what she has been through is her ability to Rise Above!   To be bigger and better, to be more beautiful than the ugly, to have enough self love to respect herself and the way she views herself.  Many times as we go through something terrible we get angry and we hate and we lash out and we run our mouth and we blame and it is so unattractive.  We are all guilty of it.  Adoption gets a lot of negative attention.  Birth moms can either help put a beautiful spin on adoption awareness or an ugly harsh spin on adoption awareness.  I work with the most amazing group of BTG's in our daily and monthly support groups.  I am so blessed to have these women in my life, that continue to remind each other of the incredible miracle of adoption....these are women that truly RISE ABOVE every single day.  They rise above the comments, the misunderstandings, the judgements, the guilt, the pain, the sorrow.  They embrace the love, joy, blessings, the miracles and peace.

There is nothing more attractive in a woman that has love and peace in her heart, that is full of gratitude and is positive and focused on forward movement, that has no anger or hate or blame, that is full of forgiveness and understanding, power and self love.  That is the true beauty of a woman.  That is a BTG.

4.  You can still LOVE with a pure heart:  Relationships are so hard.  They are emotional and passionate and frustrating and challenging and amazing and fulfilling and damaging and lasting.  There are people that come into our life that will always be connected, even if the relationship comes to an end.  A birth mom will forever be connected to the birth father...whether they stay together or go their separate ways.  They have been intimate with each other, they created life together, a life that is part of each of them.  It can be so hard to move on from those relationships, even if they have ran their course.  As women, we tend to hold on tight and choke it to death!  ;) 

The greatest lesson that I have learned during this healing process is that I still have love in my heart, that I still want a partner to spend my days with, I want family around me that will continue to love me unconditionally.  I have been able to let go of the pain and the hurt and put my heart back together and LOVE without doubt and without regret.  I have amazing family around me that have forgiving hearts and that support me.  I have two beautiful children of my own that my husband and I love and cherish.  Finding your GREAT love after many broken hearts is the greatest gift.  That is a BTG.

 

5.  You know you can't DO IT ALONE:  Another powerful lesson that I have learned in this journey is that I can't do this alone, that the support group that has been established has been vital to my survival and my life choices.  Being a BTG isn't about going out and taking on everything and anything all alone.  The support group of  like minded BTG's has truly been such a blessing in my life.  I am so honored to call these women my friends and I learn and grow from them and their experiences DAILY!  We all have to make our own decisions and in the end it is what is truly in our hearts BUT when you can come to your knees in front of your "tribe" and plead for help and support...then you are truly a BTG.  Admitting weakness and the need for help only makes you stronger...and truly allows those around you that love you to step up and be better, to help and lend support, to serve and to love.  When the going gets tough....the BTG gets going.  You will learn quickly who will stand by you and support you and those that won't...finding that "tribe" of people that will be there to help you along the way is a rare treasure and one that should not be taken for granted.  That is a BTG. 

 

I am so honored to be a birth mom and wear my Big Tough Girl badge proudly!  I am thankful for all those in my life that lift and love me.  I am thankful for all the countless BTG's that have inspired me to be better in all things! 

Ashley Mitchell spends her days loving on her children, leaning on her husband and reaching out to women who like herself, found themselves at a crossroad and chose adoption. She is the founder of a non-profit birth mom community called Blessings in a Basket. She is a die-hard college football fan, covets anything from Tiffany and thinks that snow is the most magical and sparkly thing in the world!