"Birthparents console themselves with the idea that the loss in an open adoption is really quite small. After all, they will be able to maintain contact and eventually have a relationship with their child...Some think about adoption in positive terms only, denying that there has been any loss at all." - Portuesi
My heart was pounding. My palms were sweaty. I was sure it was a heart attack! After a visit to the doctor and an EKG, the report came back negative. Medically speaking, my heart was healthy - but I knew it wasn't. It was broken and I didn't know how I would ever recover.
Grieving the loss of a loved one is a difficult journey no matter what the circumstances, but adoption-related grief is unique. Although a loss has occurred, it is often unrecognized by those outside of the adoption community. There is no ceremony or ritual acknowledging the loss. Few if any, offer comfort and support. The truth is, others may not even understand that a loss has occurred because the child is still living and you made the adoption choice. Nonetheless, your heart is still hurting and even you may be struggling to make sense of your grief.
Birth parent grief can manifest itself through a number of different ways:
- Feelings such as anger, sadness, loneliness, confusion, guilt and shock are common. At the same time, you may also feel relieved, grateful for a good home for her child and hopeful for a fresh start. These mixed emotions can leave you feeling confused and alone.
- The inability to feel much of anything; numbness
- Physical symptoms including anxiety, lack of energy, the incessant need to keep busy, hyper-sensitivity, tightness in the chest, etc.
- Questioning or second-guessing your decision and/or a pre-occupation with thoughts of the child you have placed.
- Excessive crying, overeating or lack of appetite, inability to sleep, and social withdrawal.
My pounding heart eventually subsided and I was able to move past that grief episode, but the grief hasn't gone away. I have learned to manage it and not allow it to consume me. I have learned healthy ways to cope with my grief and loss and engage in ongoing self-care.
It is normal and natural to grieve this type of loss. The grief process is ongoing and symptoms will surface when you least expect them. Feel what you need to feel. Talk it out with someone who is willing to listen. If you begin to worry that any of your grief symptoms are excessive or unhealthy, consult a physician.
