Open Adoption: Open Wound?

Although I don't always agree with this author, she hit the nail on the head with this one. Way to go Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy

"I got pictures at 6 months and one year through my agency. I was a neurotic wreck waiting for them 24 years ago. I was a complete wreck waiting for my update of Max at age 16. Like a daily mood swing that got hopeful and anxious before the mail delivery and completely foul and depressed after...every day...for three months. Those were just two small time periods in the time frame of this adoption. Yet they greatly altered my mental well being during those times. I cannot imagine living that way for 15, 18. or 20 years.

I see mothers living this now on birthmother support lists.The dance they sometimes must perform to be determined healthy enough to garnish an update, the debate on how to request an update, how to ask, the fear of being denied and the effects of being ignored. I would go so far to say that even when an adoptive family follows the set schedules and provides the consistent updates on the welfare of the child, the anxiety and fear is still constantly present.

Even though I lived it, even now I can't imagine how I had the physical ability to walk away from my newborn baby in the hospital. I don't know how I did it once. I cannot imagine having to repeat the same action over and over again. I cannot imagine having to do this every six months; ever year.

That big tough scab that covered the raw wound of my son's relinquishment would never have healed. Rather, I see that open adoption could be that action that causes this wound to be re-opened again and again.How do you walk away from this child that you love so incredibly much and still have the will to live. I know I would have done it but yes, sometimes I am glad that I did not have the opportunity. Plus, for so many years, my son was only an image that I could imagine. The three years I missed was a fantasy based on a handful of pictures. Not a real flesh and blood child whose arms I could feel around my neck. It was years later that I realized the true depth of everything that I lost. In an open adoption, the evidence of that lost baby turns into the truth of a missed childhood. A mother does not miss the ideal, but a real walking, talking child.

I do not believe that even the best open adoption mitigates the feeling of loss. I believe that it does tend to keep a mother in reality and make her face that loss, which can be healthier, but also, just so much harder. The adoption never has a chance to become something of the past but is a constant force in her life. I can't say which is better because I don't think that adoption ever leaves us. But if one is expecting that an open adoption should feel good, I can imagine that it can be rather surprising to find that it hurts over and over again with each after-visit; with each new goodbye. I can imagine that the reoccuring grief gets rather exhausting." 

Amen girl, you sure got this one right!!! Thanks for sharing. 
(This blog was originally posted on http://www.musingsofthelame.com)

An On Time God

Dear Pricilla,
I'm amazed at how God works; how he is always right on time putting everything in place for his purpose. I was notified that I had a new twitter follower (you). I always wonder why people, strangers follow me; how they find me; what they are searching for.

This weekend has been very difficult for me. I am a 44 year old single birthmother of a 21 year old boy that I relinquished through adoption when he was born. I ran from grief until recently when God took me away from ministry and sent me to Baylor to get my graduate degree. I went out of obedience because I certainly had NO idea why he wanted me to go back to school.

At the end of my first year (this past May), I decided to complete my research on birthmother grief long term. There is much available for women immediately after relinquishment, but studies show that many birthmothers remain in denial and run from their grief for 20+ years. Some live with severe, debilitating depression, some with PTSD, some turn to addictions to sooth the pain, others turn to relationships. That's what I did. I turned to immoral relationships which, in turn, caused enough shame and self loathing in my life that I was distracted from the pain that I was running from.

When I started reading materials this summer about birthmother grief, my eyes were opened. For the first time, I understood why I did the things that I did and felt the way that I felt for the past 21 years. I finally was able to see a correlation between my deep emptiness and sadness and relinquishing my son.  But even though I was connecting the dots and starting to understand myself better, I finally started to grieve my loss and all the losses that came as a result of my unplanned pregnancy.

The past few months have by far been the most unbearable months of my life. I am in so much pain and nothing seems to ease the hurt. I would ask God why my life turned out the way that it did but know that it's my fault. I know that I am forgiven for the bad choices that I made and that my singleness and childlessness isn't a punishment yet, I often attribute the disappointment in my life to the bad choices that I have made.

I have come to the conclusion that this is it for me. Life won't get any better. The life that I dreaded - this one - a loveless, childless life - a life where I feel so insignificant that no one would even notice if I didn't exist - this is it. God is so good and so faithful but I have to wonder what my purpose is - if I have purpose - because I certainly don't feel like it. And I don't want this life that he's given me but I have no choice to live it. I feel so low emotionally, yet I pretend every day to keep everyone happy. I feel alone. I feel isolated. I feel heartbroken and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And then I notice that I have a new twitter follower. I opened a twitter account just a few weeks ago as an assignment for class. I don't use it and don't read it but I am notified when I have a new follower. So tonight, there you were, a total stranger with a twitter page that says: "Christian community of women looking to choose bliss despite their past. A safe place for those with a past of abuse, diagnosis of PTSD and/or depression."
I don't know who you are or how you found me on line. I am just thankful that God sent me even the smallest dose of hope through you this evening. It's not even the purpose of your page that blows my mind. It's the fact that God knew I needed to be seen. He knew I needed to feel wanted and he made me feel wanted through your simple gesture.

I don't know what else to say except thank you for letting God use you. Thank you for bringing me hope when I am really low. And Thank you Lord Jesus for seeing me.

"You are altogether beautiful my darling and there is no blemish in you." Song of Songs 4:7

Joy Cometh in the Morning!

"Grief is the one pain that heals all others. Grief is the most important pain there is."

How People Grow
Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Gerald Sittser wrote in A Grace Disguised that “the choice to love requires the courage to grieve”. If we choose to love, our hearts will eventually be broken - death, abandonment, abuse, betrayal and for the birthmother, great sacrifice. But if we choose to protect our hearts in fear of the inevitable, we miss out on one of life's greatests treasures - Communing with another human soul.



Tears: the best gift of God to suffering Man.

John Keble (1792-1866)

And while grief can be overwhelming and for some, debilitating, our tears are not in vain. God sees our pain. He hears our cry for help. Psalm 56:8 says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

 . . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" (Psalm 30:5)



Although there is not a direct correlation between this verse from scripture and individual suffering, there is also no scriptural problem with this interpretation.  God does promise his children that although we may suffer many trials while on this earth, there is a joy that is extended to all Christ-followers that comes from the hope we have in a better future.

I'm waiting for the joy...

I never  imagined that twenty years after placing my son for adoption,  I would begin to experience a pain so profound; a gutt wrenching, hard to breathe kind of ache in my heart that knaws away at my soul. Although human beings are resiliant, there is for some, a pain that is far too great to process. As a result, our heart shuts down and we move forward without resolution for years.

I am just now coming to terms with my loss - lost dreams, lost memories, the label of "mother" that I will never hear him speak. Tears flow freely these days. They come and go as they please. The only way through such a loss is hope - hope that one day I will figure out how to move on with my life while still maintaining a relationship with my son; hope that the intensity of my grief will subside and I will experience joy once again after twenty years of sadness. To be honest, I don't remember what it feels like. I hope to find out someday soon.

A Mother's Love

Disenfranchised Grief and Ambiguous Loss

I decided to choose birthmother grief as my research project for grad school this year. What an amazing journey the past few months have been as I have prepared for this semester. There is so much to read about birthmother grief and surprising to me, numerous studies have been done researching the impact of relinquishment on birthmothers over the years.

There are a few common threads that I have found in my reading. I'll share two with you today.

DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF
Because grief from relinquishment isn't recognized by society as a whole, few understand the profound pain and feelings of loss that most birthmothers experience after relinquishing. After all, she chose to place her child for adoption, so why should she be upset? This is a common question. Let me clear things up for everyone. Just because something is the right thing to do doesn't mean that it's easy and that there isn't pain and loss. Most birthmothers choose adoption because they know that their child will be better off in another family, NOT because they are selfish and want to remain in a promiscuous or party lifestyle.

Because society as a whole doesn't understand and recognize the need for birthmothers to grieve, we are often left to grieve alone, attempting on our own to figure out why we feel the way that we feel, afraid to ask for help and afraid to express the indescribable pain that we feel on and off throughout lives. Birthmothers most frequently grieve in isolation and that isolation along with the questions and fears and uncertainties that she feels can and often does lead to psychological trauma, PTSD, depression, suicide attempts, anxiety, unresolved grief, physical complications, etc..

AMBIGUOUS LOSS
I have a friend on facebook who shared about two young girls in her area that disappeared a few months ago. They have few leads and the community is heartbroken. But there is still hope. Hope that the girls are still alive and will be returned home one way. And then there are pictures of missing children, just inside the door at Walmart. Have you seen those? Some have been missing for a short time. Others have been missing for years.

Have you ever wondered what the parents of these children must feel? There is no closure because there is no dead body. There is always that hope of a reunion. Hope that someone will find their child and return them home safely. For those children who have been missing for a short time, the hope is more fresh. It seems more of a reality. But it gets tricky for those who have children that have been missing for years. Are they dead or alive? Do we grieve a death of that which we are uncertain? Do we continue hoping that one day, our child will return and we can wrap our arms tightly around them and remind them over and over again how deeply they are loved and how much they were missed.

Ambiguity is something that is uncertain. Ambiguous loss results when there is no finality or resolution to a situation. Something that can't fully be grieved because it can't fully be acknowledged. For birthmothers of open adoption, ambiguous loss results from the "what if" and the "when" type questions that remain in their heads. When will I get another letter from my child's adoptive family? When will I receive updated pictures? When will I have another reunion with my child? What if my son or daughter wants more contact with me someday? Exactly who am I to my child and what role do I play in his or her life? Technology complicates things even more. Do I befriend my child on facebook or twitter (something I just learned how to use, by the way) and if so, will that make it even harder to grieve my loss?

Denial can result from the waiting game. Denial that a loss has occurred because there is an ongoing relationship. Confusion about what exactly I am grieving. Uncertainty about a future relationship with my child and even what a future would look like without him. My son is alive and well but living a life without me. He has had a wonderful upbringing with amazing parents and I have been around his entire life so a relationship with me is not high on his list of priorities. So do I grieve and move on with my life? And if so, what exactly am I grieving and what did I lose (a question that I recently found the answer too and will share with you another time)?  Do I wait in hopes that one day we will have a great relationship? Do I wait in hopes that he will one day tell me thank you, tell me how much he loves me and maybe even let the "M" word slip once or twice. I'm referring to the word, "mom" for those of you who didn't catch that. Do I wait in hopes that one day I will be able to wrap my arms around him, just as the mothers of missing children long to do? There is NO END, which makes grieving this loss very difficult. Although open adoption saved my life, I spent the better part of the last 21 years since my son was born, trying to figure out the answers to all of these questions. If my son had died, I would have been able to grieve and move on but my son is alive and well (Thank God!).

I continue to wrestle with these questions and many others. I don't have all the answers but I am learning new things every day. I am learning about myself - who I am, why I am the way that I am, why I feel the way that I feel, and why I do the things that I do. What I have discovered through my research so far is that the answers to most of these questions are directly correlated to what happened August 31st, 1991, the day that I relinquished my son.

"Get over it!" and Other Things that Grievers Cannot Do

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ashley-davis-bush/grief_b_1721057.html?utm_hp_ref=gps-for-the-soul&ir=GPS+for+the+Soul
Great Article! Read on...

I have been working with grievers for over 20 years. My grief book, Transcending Loss, was published 15 years ago and continues to help readers. One of the reasons for its enduring appeal is that it acknowledges the lifelong impact of grief. In it, I give grievers permission to feel their pain, find meaning in their loss, and stay connected to their dearly departed.
Our pain-averse culture wants to sweep grief under the carpet as quickly as possible. We prefer grievers to finish mourning in a timely manner so that we can all get back on schedule. Grief, however, is ongoing. It has many twists and turns that defy our best attempts at orderliness.
If you or someone you know is grieving, the following grief resource will help you understand what to expect.
What Grievers Cannot Do

• Get Over It -- Although stoicism is often admired, it is not healthy for grievers. The truth is that a major loss is devastating -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Grievers don't simply "get over" such a life-altering experience as one might get over an illness. Grief is a necessary, ongoing journey that fluctuates over time. Grief has no closure.
• Forget Their Loved One -- Grievers cannot and should not pretend as if their loved one never existed. Most grievers think of their beloved one daily, no matter how many years have gone by. If you, as a friend, never mention the loved one who has died, you are acting as if you've forgotten.


• Move On -- Grievers are often told to "move on" with life. It is impossible to move on as if nothing has changed when the foundation of one's life has been shattered. Severing a tie to a deceased loved is not possible, nor should it be the goal (see "Moving Forward" in the next section).


• Be Their Old Self Again -- Grievers are irrevocably changed. They cannot return to being their old selves again. They are no longer the same person after a major loss.


• Stop Hurting -- Grievers and their loved ones often wish for the pain of grief to stop. The hard truth is that painful feelings of grief will arise again and again over the years. They will continue to "burst" into life at the most inopportune moments. Sometimes a holiday or anniversary will stimulate renewed pain and, at other times, a simple rainy Tuesday is all that it will take.

What Grievers Can Do

• Integrate Loss Into Life -- Grievers must live with loss, but they do have the choice to reengage with life. The way to begin this lies in the understanding that loss is an inevitable part of life and that their loved one is always with them in their heart.
• Move Forward -- Grievers may not be able to simply "move on," but they can "move forward" as a changed person with a willingness to accept the many facets of being alive. When grievers move forward they do so with their loved one ever in their memory, their heart, and their spirit.


• Remember and Stay Connected in Love -- Grievers can make it a practice to honor their loved one and stay connected to them. They can keep journals and letters written to their loved ones, display photographs and speak about them. Grievers are still in relationship to their loved one even though their physical form is no longer on this planet.


• Embrace a New Self -- Grievers can understand that being forever changed means that while the old self has died, a new self is emerging. This new self has the potential for increased strength, wisdom, compassion, insight, and perspective.


• Channel Their Pain Into New Energy -- The human spirit is remarkably resilient. Grievers can pour their pain into new life missions, causes, and callings. They may reach out with compassion and understanding to others who suffer. Grievers have a choice to transcend their loss by making meaning out of unspeakable pain.

Grief is a universal human experience that all of us will encounter eventually. Understanding what we can and cannot expect will help ease the process as it unfolds. Loss may change life as we know it, but the unknown is full of possibility.

PUBLISHED!
My story was published today on a birthmother website. How fun. It was the short version but I have been working on a book so maybe I should start sharing some of that on my blog. I am still on this lifelong journey and find that I get so much encouragement from other birthmothers. We understand each other - regardless of race, religion, open or closed adoption, etc. Check out this link, read on and share your thoughts below. God bless you today.

http://bigtoughgirl.blogspot.com/2012/08/btg-spotlight.html

Happy Mother's Day to Me!

I heard from my son on Mother's Day. Whoo hoo!!! I don't recall him ever acknowledging me on Mother's Day before. It was a text with just those three words, but enough to make my day and put a smile on my face.
 

I AM NOT A VICTIM!

I AM NOT A VICTIM

On the eve of Birthmother's Day, I looked it up on line to see what I could learn. To my astonishment, there are people who believe that adoption is a conspiracy against vulnerable women who are helpless and are victims in the adoption process.  Although I have no doubt that some have had horrible experiences resulting from feeling "forced" or "pressured" to place by friends, family members or even adoption agencies, I do not believe that this is the norm.  It is these people that make the most noise. I feel sad for them, but I am here to say that I AM NOT A VICTIM!

 I AM NOT A VICTIM!! Yes, I was vulnerable when I was pregnant and although I had made my decision to relinquish before I met with the agency, they still made me weigh my options so that I could make an informed decision - not based on emotion or fear or pressure.  And because of that support, I made the most difficult, traumatic, heartwrenching decision of my life to allow another family to raise my baby boy, knowing that they would do a far better job than I could. And they have.

The family that chose my son also chose me, acknowledging me as part of the package - and I am sure that they have wanted to return or exchange this package many times over the years, but they didn't, not only because I was also family to them but because they knew that our son would be incomplete without a relationship with his birthmother.

I have an open adoption and am even facebook friends with my son. There are times when he acknowledges me and other tines when he doesn't but I am learning to take a step back and allow him to process his adoption experience and his feelings towards me at his own pace. No matter how hard my decision to place was and no matter how hard it is for me not to have a relationship with my baby, I can only imagine the pain that he carries in his heart. Perhaps he feels abandoned, unlovable, rejected, isolated, alone, embarrassed, etc. Although he knows in his head the depth of my love for him, sometimes it's hard to get the heart to feel the same way.

Well at this time of year when mothers celebrate their role as mothers, I want for my baby to know that I will never forget. I can never forget. I went to the mall today to get some Mother's Day cards and began to weep.  If a birthmother doesn't run from the pain or deny that it exists like I did for 17 years after I placed my son, there will be tears. The pain doesn't go away. i will never recover from not being able to raise my son. My life will never be the same. I have made horrible choices over the past 22 years to protect my heart from my devastating loss, but I AM NOT A VICTIM, I AM A SURVIVOR.  And I will continue to live my life each day knowing that God can and will use me in spite of my brokenness because I am victorious through his grace and mercy!

So, Birthmothers, Happy Birthmothers day or Mother's Day - whatever you choose to celebrate, but celebrate!!! Although I have to convince myself most days that I can be included in this holiday, the truth is that I will ALWAYS be a mother to my baby!  He will ALWAYS be my heartbeat and the one great accomplishment of my life.

Horrified!

"No sin goes unpunished."

These are the words that I found decorating the top of another birthmother blog tonight. Although this is a true statement, I'm not sure why they chose to focus on it. How does this uplift and affirm a woman that has made one of the most sacrificial decisions she could ever make to carry a precious child for nine months instead of choose abortion. Dear birthmothers who are reading these words, it is true that no sin goes unpunished (whether it was an unwise time to have sex or if sex was forced on you). But the fact that you chose life for your child says far more about your character. Be encouraged. Thousands of people stand beside you in your brave decision.

Emotional highs and lows

Check out this amazing podcast about getting away from a life controlled by emotional highs and lows.  Awesome! Just had to share it with you.

http://c23297.r97.cf1.rackcdn.com/CCpodcast203.mp3

Devotional Book for Birthmoms

http://terrigake.com/

Healing from grief and loss

My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The  winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of the doves is heard in our land."

Song of Songs 2:10-12