I AM NOT A VICTIM!

I AM NOT A VICTIM

On the eve of Birthmother's Day, I looked it up on line to see what I could learn. To my astonishment, there are people who believe that adoption is a conspiracy against vulnerable women who are helpless and are victims in the adoption process.  Although I have no doubt that some have had horrible experiences resulting from feeling "forced" or "pressured" to place by friends, family members or even adoption agencies, I do not believe that this is the norm.  It is these people that make the most noise. I feel sad for them, but I am here to say that I AM NOT A VICTIM!

 I AM NOT A VICTIM!! Yes, I was vulnerable when I was pregnant and although I had made my decision to relinquish before I met with the agency, they still made me weigh my options so that I could make an informed decision - not based on emotion or fear or pressure.  And because of that support, I made the most difficult, traumatic, heartwrenching decision of my life to allow another family to raise my baby boy, knowing that they would do a far better job than I could. And they have.

The family that chose my son also chose me, acknowledging me as part of the package - and I am sure that they have wanted to return or exchange this package many times over the years, but they didn't, not only because I was also family to them but because they knew that our son would be incomplete without a relationship with his birthmother.

I have an open adoption and am even facebook friends with my son. There are times when he acknowledges me and other tines when he doesn't but I am learning to take a step back and allow him to process his adoption experience and his feelings towards me at his own pace. No matter how hard my decision to place was and no matter how hard it is for me not to have a relationship with my baby, I can only imagine the pain that he carries in his heart. Perhaps he feels abandoned, unlovable, rejected, isolated, alone, embarrassed, etc. Although he knows in his head the depth of my love for him, sometimes it's hard to get the heart to feel the same way.

Well at this time of year when mothers celebrate their role as mothers, I want for my baby to know that I will never forget. I can never forget. I went to the mall today to get some Mother's Day cards and began to weep.  If a birthmother doesn't run from the pain or deny that it exists like I did for 17 years after I placed my son, there will be tears. The pain doesn't go away. i will never recover from not being able to raise my son. My life will never be the same. I have made horrible choices over the past 22 years to protect my heart from my devastating loss, but I AM NOT A VICTIM, I AM A SURVIVOR.  And I will continue to live my life each day knowing that God can and will use me in spite of my brokenness because I am victorious through his grace and mercy!

So, Birthmothers, Happy Birthmothers day or Mother's Day - whatever you choose to celebrate, but celebrate!!! Although I have to convince myself most days that I can be included in this holiday, the truth is that I will ALWAYS be a mother to my baby!  He will ALWAYS be my heartbeat and the one great accomplishment of my life.