Secondary Losses

As I write, I am staring out the window at a friend play so eloquently with young children in the neighborhood. I feel such admiration for her courage and even her desire to be around that age group. For as long as I can remember, I have never really been fond of elementary aged children (other than my friends kids, of course). I'm not sure why.

When I was placed at an elementary school for my first year of internship in graduate school, someone suggested that I didn't like being around them because I never had the opportunity to see my son grow up. I thought long and hard about whether or not that was actually the problem. If that were the case, wouldn't I also dislike newborns and  high school aged youth? The truth is, I adore infants and enjoy being around them when the opportunity presents itself and I spent close to 15 years in youth ministry, caring for their hurting hearts. There had to be something else that bothered me about the little people.

In recent years, I was able to process the depths of my grief and the loss of my son through adoption after years of numbing and running. I will always feel loss and there will always be an empty space in my heart for the son that I relinquished. But what has hit me more intensely in the past few years is the fact that while running from my grief, I also ran from healthy relationships that could have led to marriage and a family - a dream that I had since childhood.  

Secondary losses often tear away at the heart of a birth mother. The loss of a child, the loss of her role as mother to that child, the loss of her reputation, her friendships, the birth father of her child; for some, the loss family members who disapprove of her decision resulting in the loss of a place to live and the loss of a lifetime of security that she experienced in her home. In addition to these secondary losses, she can also experience feelings of deep depression, shame, anxiety, confusion, ambiguity about her decision and so much more. The grief for a birth mother reaches far past the loss of her child.

The seven little ones are now inside, filling the house with conversation, laughter and tears, an experience that I will never have. Perhaps they represent the loss of a dream. I will never have a house filled with little ones of my own - I am too old for that. I may never have the husband that I have longed for my entire life. I ran to far and too long for that. 

I am processing these secondary losses every day. Coming to terms with who I have become and the life that I now live. And although I am still not fond of young ones, I am learning to dream new dreams. I am trusting that there is still a beautiful, bright future ahead of me. I have deep sadness, but I also have hope for my future. I'm waiting in anticipation for what's to come. I will not give up.

Keeping Perspective in the Midst of Pain and Loss

Recently, a friend described her feelings on the day she became a mother through adoption...

"She sobbed as she handed me her baby. She knew she had made the right decision, but not all good decisions are easy or without pain. For a split second, I wanted to forget the whole thing and walk away so that she wouldn't hurt so badly but I had to keep perspective. I had to remember why she had made the decision that she made." 

Adoption day is often filled with so many mixed emotions. For most birth mothers who place through an agency, the decision to relinquish her child for adoption is done so with much self-reflection and contemplation. It is a well thought out decision that has been made over time with the support of a case worker. But regardless of that courageous choice, there is still deep, indescribable pain and loss. She knows she has made the best choice for her child, for which she is thrilled, but she also knows that her decision will leave a gaping wound in her soul that nothing or no one will ever be able to fill.

In the midst of the hormones and heartache, it's easy for a birth mother to lose perspective, to forget why she made the decision to relinquish, and to convince herself that adoption is no longer the answer. Sometimes it happens hours after giving birth. Sometimes, it happens years later. 

A competent adoption case worker, friend or family member will encourage a prospective birth mother to make a list of the reasons she has chosen adoption for her child and keep it with her as a reminder for when and if she has doubts. A reminder that although circumstances will change in the months and years to come and there will be a day when she will be fully able to care for a child, that was not always the case. In these times of questioning, let us not judge her, but remind her of the well thought out decision she made for her child - a decision for the best life possible; a life that she felt she was unable to provide at the time.