Keeping Perspective in the Midst of Pain and Loss

Recently, a friend described her feelings on the day she became a mother through adoption...

"She sobbed as she handed me her baby. She knew she had made the right decision, but not all good decisions are easy or without pain. For a split second, I wanted to forget the whole thing and walk away so that she wouldn't hurt so badly but I had to keep perspective. I had to remember why she had made the decision that she made." 

Adoption day is often filled with so many mixed emotions. For most birth mothers who place through an agency, the decision to relinquish her child for adoption is done so with much self-reflection and contemplation. It is a well thought out decision that has been made over time with the support of a case worker. But regardless of that courageous choice, there is still deep, indescribable pain and loss. She knows she has made the best choice for her child, for which she is thrilled, but she also knows that her decision will leave a gaping wound in her soul that nothing or no one will ever be able to fill.

In the midst of the hormones and heartache, it's easy for a birth mother to lose perspective, to forget why she made the decision to relinquish, and to convince herself that adoption is no longer the answer. Sometimes it happens hours after giving birth. Sometimes, it happens years later. 

A competent adoption case worker, friend or family member will encourage a prospective birth mother to make a list of the reasons she has chosen adoption for her child and keep it with her as a reminder for when and if she has doubts. A reminder that although circumstances will change in the months and years to come and there will be a day when she will be fully able to care for a child, that was not always the case. In these times of questioning, let us not judge her, but remind her of the well thought out decision she made for her child - a decision for the best life possible; a life that she felt she was unable to provide at the time.